So you want to be a bad ass huh? Do you want all that goes with it? Do you want people talking about how tough you are, how much of a bad ass you are? Then you’re an idiot. It’s as simple as that. If you step into that world, you had better be prepared for several things to happen. You will not be able to go to certain places without the fear that someone may be looking to hurt you for past indiscretions or is lying in wait to bash your skull in at the first chance they get.
There will only be a few places that you can go to relax. Hell, you might just be so bad that there is someone who is so scared of you, they will wait outside with a shotgun to blow your fucking head off. When my wife and I walk into a bar or restaurant, she steps to one side, I stay behind her on the opposite side. This is just in case someone wants to shoot me; with the hope they will have a clear shot and not hit her.
You need to be ready to be tempted beyond anything you have ever known for a simple good night’s sleep. I drink heavily sometimes just so that I can pass out when I’m having a bad night. Oh the joys of waking up and sweating bullets with your hands bleeding from pounding the wall next to the bed, your wife staring at you from across the room because she is terrified that if she touches you, she will get hit. You need to be ready to go places inside your head that, up until then, were only a horror movie on late night TV.
Another route is to become so fucked up no one can be around you because they don’t trust you not to go off. If you’re a normal human being, and I use that term loosely, you will begin to hate yourself and feel increasing guilt as you age. If you have a wife and kids, you will worry that someone will do to them the things that you have done as a payback to you.
Or, you will become a callous, soulless creature that will always be alone no matter who you are with. And trust me folks, that life sucks even more. You can be in a room full of people and still be the loneliest son of a bitch in the world. Men don’t want to be your friends and women are afraid of you. All the macho posturing and strutting around hides the fact that you would do anything to have someone tell you that you are not broken, that they love you.
Be ready to bury the few friends you have because they may just be as fucked up as you are. Before I was 40 years old I had been a pall bearer 36 times, three of them for elderly grandparents and two for natural causes. The rest were caused by violent deaths, drug or alcohol related, and paybacks. Some of the last few remaining brothers I have are all survivors of the violence trade.
I have friends that have fought meth addiction for years because they don’t want to sleep. Sleep is when the bad things happen over and over again. Guys I worked with over the years in different aspects, have either overdosed on drugs, drank themselves to death, or ate a bullet just to stop the crazy inside their heads. There are men that I would have died for missing because no one knows whether they are alive or dead. They just disappeared.
Then, when you want out of the life, there are two ways. Either you cut ties and hope no one finds you or you make it so fucking bloody and costly that not one of those people you were involved with want to risk bringing themselves to your attention.
Or, if you’re involved in criminal enterprises, then you might, and I say might, be able to turn over and rat out your former buddies. The protection that the Feds or cops offer will only last as long as you are valuable to them and their case. After that, here is your new name and ID, have a nice life, don’t draw attention to yourself. So you want be a bad ass huh? Still think it’s worth it?