A statement I saw on Amy A’s Facebook wall.
“I’m not mansplaining… I’m a just a condescending dick.”
First, there’s one for honest communication.
I’m actually serious about that one, but it’s a Conflict Communications thing and beyond the scope of this post. Basically it’s a ‘if you call the tune, be ready to dance’ thing.’ “Condescending dick? Hot damn! I know that dance.”
Second, I am an old school liberal. That is to say, I really do believe in equality. But here’s the catch, equality involves participation. That’s kind of a sticking point. Something that seems to be over looked is that there is competition among equals. You don’t get you idea sold on just its merits, but how well you can defend it against people who are trying to push their own by tearing down yours.
A quote I found supposedly from Theodore Roosevelt (although I can’t verify it) is “You cannot rule from the comfort of your parlor. You must get into the ring and fight. And you must accept that some fine men will be willing to step up and fight you.”
I find much of the use of the term ‘mansplaining’ to be used by people who really can’t defend their ideas or their boundaries. News flash, that guy isn’t just a dick to women, he’s pretty much a pushy, condescending asshole to anyone and everyone he thinks he can get away with it with. He’s not trying it with you because of the position that you’re in when you pee, he’s doing it because he thinks you’re weak enough for him to pull that shit on. But don’t feel special, like I said he tries it on men too.
Do you need to stand up to him and shut him down? Well welcome to equality. But HOW you do it is important. Using the term ‘mansplaining’ might get other women to nod their heads, but it ain’t going to fly with the other men who are watching you and assessing how well you handle this jerk. A jerk they’ve had to tangle with before. A jerk they know they’ll have to tangle with again because these types are like a curry burp, they keep on coming back with the same flavor. Once again, how you keep these guys in check is important.
So, boundary setting 101
“Well I was a rawr, rawr,rawr,rawr,rawr, (or “I have a degree in rawr,rawr,rawr,”)
“Yes, I understand that and your credentials would be far more impressive if what you are saying was factually accurate. However . . .”
If you absolutely positively have to make it about sex/gender (Hint wait until he’s overtly brought up the ‘little lady’ tactic).
“Look I understand you believe your penis automatically instills knowledge on this topic, but the facts are . . .”
I can pretty well guarantee you that
a – the other men will be snickering
b – he’ll either storm off or
c – drop that tactic or
d – go postal (In which case it never was a ‘rational’ discussion — which ties back with the honest communication thing. As in now that we know what it is, we can stop pretending — and you can quit wasting my time.)
So welcome to the contact sport of being an equal participant. Be prepared to be challenged, to have your ideas/knowledge to be questions, to have to stand up for them and yourself, to be insulted and minimized for an equal to get ahead, To let things slide and not let others go unchallenged, be prepared to knock people on their asses and to get knocked on your ass.
That’s the cost for participation and equality. That’s how you earn your place among equals. By earning respect and trust of those others.
Commentary by Erik Kondo
Boundary Setting 102
Seven Things Effective People Know About Boundary Setting – Erik Kondo
Mansplaining is a tool commonly used by Unfairist while spreading Unfairism.
The Rise of the Toxic Unfairist and the Spread of Toxic Unfairism – Erik Kondo